Dealing with Your Inner Critic

[00:00:02] Matt Landsiedel: Welcome to Gay Men Going deeper, a podcast by the Gay Men’s Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health, and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I am your host, Matt Landsiedel. And joining me today is Michael DiIorio.

Today we’re talking about dealing with your inner critic, how to stop being so hard on yourself. And we’re going to be exploring questions like, in what ways do you criticize or are hard on yourself?

How is your inner critic trying to serve you?

And how have you learned to deal with your inner critic?

And what we want you to get out of today’s episode as a listener and viewer is to just recognize the ways in which you may be hard on yourself and make more room for self-compassion and understanding.

So we’re going to take you on a journey today. We’re going to share some raw and real stuff that we’re experiencing and maybe some of the things that we do to. To help ourselves have more compassion and understanding for ourselves. So, and if you are new here, please subscribe to the channel on YouTube. And if you’re listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe and leave us a review which helps us get into the ears of the people who need us.

Okay, inner critic. We all have it. Let’s be real. We all have it. Some people’s is louder than others. Some people may have done more work on themselves, may have a stronger sense of self-esteem, but we all have an inner critic. And basically, it is the part of us that is going to observe, monitor, evaluate, and even judge ourselves.

It does serve a purpose. The inner critic is. It can be motivating us. It can be keeping us in line. Maybe we grew up in a pretty chaotic home, and we had to have a strong inner critic to keep our behavior in line so we didn’t get hit or abused or yelled at or something like that. So there’s definitely a piece to the inner critic that is purposeful, but when it’s not conscious, it can become very destructive and it can tear us down pretty fast.

Um, most people, um, I like to prescribe to probably more like, um, Freudian psychology when it comes to this sort of thing. Um, and there’s a concept called the parent ego and the ego. The parent ego is essentially what we have internalized from our childhood in the ways that our parents spoke to us or just even spoke in general. Right, right. So we it. And it’s going to be our own voice, our own ego in our minds, which is narrating an experience. But it’s going to have the flavors and the dialogue of what we heard and were exposed to growing up. So maybe our parents were very critical of our weight, or maybe they were critical of the way we talk or acted, and they just were constantly criticizing us as a way to keep us in line. Right. A lot of parents can use shaming as a way to keep their kids in line. And then we develop a very shaming inner critic.

So, again, this is the destructive side to it. We want to really get at this. And this is often why people can be so triggered and activated by their parents. Right. Because we see outside of ourselves how we’re engaging with ourselves internally. So it almost becomes this, like, subconscious thing being exposed, and we’re seeing it outside of ourselves. Then we can project anger and resentment and these sorts of things towards our parents when really we’ve actually internalized this. And it’s our responsibility to start to work with our own inner critic and heal the parts of ourselves that are very self-critical.

And it can also go the other way, I think, as we develop an inner critic that is the voice of our parents, our parents can then be triggered by us because they see in us the parts of themselves that maybe they’ve yet to reconcile and work with. So the parent child relationship can be such a very strong, activating relationship, but it also holds a lot of answers and space towards healing if we can do it from a conscious place. Right. Because oftentimes we’re exhibiting very similar traits and qualities and dysfunctions as our parents.

And then for myself, I see this. It is a structure of the ego. It’s a structure of the mind. Our inner critic is narrating our experience. It’s chiming in, constantly working with the ego when we’re working with the. The inner critic.

Which means, you know, the ego is very self-serving. It is. It can be very harsh, very critical. But it can also be a self-protective. Right. Which is why the inner critic can be serving us in certain aspects, but it’s often going to be driven by fear and judgment. Our inner critic. So there’s something that we’re afraid of. We’re afraid of being a certain way. Maybe we’re afraid of gaining weight and being fat. So we are very critical of ourselves. So we don’t. That’s just one example. And there’s an element of our inner critic that is trying to keep us safe. Okay?

So I always look at the inner critic. Part of me is this part that is living in my painful past and trying not to recreate it in the present moment. So when I wrote down, like, these questions, I was like, how can we start to explore this inner critic from. From a place of compassion and understanding of, like, why is this part of us so alive, so active?

So, yeah, I want to explore the first question with you, Michael.

In what ways do you criticize or are hard on yourself?

[00:05:47] Michael DiIorio: The answer is e all of the above. Yeah, all the ways.

Yeah. I mean, my inner critic, like, I’m sure everyone’s out there, has got an opinion about everything from how I do the dishes to what I’m wearing, to the work I put out in the world, to my body, to what I say, to what I’m saying right now. He’s tripping. Like, it’s just constant. So, yeah, I mean, that is just always there.

It showed up today in a few different ways, which we can talk a little bit about later. Um, but I would say lately, the most activated. Like, the. The more the thing he’s getting really upset about is, um, this very podcast, actually not this episode, but our podcast in general. So Matt knows this, but the audience doesn’t. Um, historically, I had never listened to episodes after we post them. Um, so I never really. There’s, like, maybe one that I had listened to. Uh, and then over the last few months, I started listening to our own podcast, which was a very interesting experience. And so my inner critic loved it. It was just like putting chum in the ocean and the sharks were circling. Like, it just destroyed me every which way it could. Why did I say that? You sound so stupid. You sound this. Why did you do that?

You should have said that instead. Why didn’t you? You know better than that. You should have done this. You should have done that. It’s all after the fact judging, which serves me very little purpose in that specific episode, because nothing can be done about it. But, yeah, that was really hard for me. And I think probably one of the reasons I didn’t listen to the episodes previously is because I knew that that’s what would happen. I knew I was going to beat the shit out of myself mentally for doing it. So it was actually a really good experience, a, to listen to our podcast, which is a great podcast, by the way, and also to get in touch with that inner critic and really use that experience to befriend it and to understand about self-compassion and to have an opportunity to get to know it, which is exactly what I did. Yeah.

[00:07:59] Matt Landsiedel: It’s so funny that you say that, because I’m like, when you do your monologues, or just even when you share in general, you’re so good with your words and you’re so succinct and you take people from a to z so, like, eloquently, you know what I mean? And the fact that you carry this inner critic, it’s just, it’s such a, it’s a reminder to me of, like, yeah. Like, you know, these are all just stories that we’ve created from, from past experiences of maybe being judged or, and then we make this into this big thing, right? It’s like, this is my character, right? It’s like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:08:34] Michael DiIorio: And it also, it going back to our last episode on compare and despair, like, I’ll listen to you or Reno or any of my other guests, like, oh, they’re just perfect. Look at that. Look how smart he is. Look how beautifully that was said. Why can’t I be more like that? The inner critic loves the comparing and does not do so in a mindful way. Like we talked about last episode. It’s doing so in a very disparaging way.

[00:08:59] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you feel complete?

[00:09:04] Michael DiIorio: Yeah. I want to know what, what are your, what are your ways you, your inner critic shows up?

[00:09:09] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah. Well, just even what you just said, like, that can happen. I remember when I was in school for counseling, we would have to, and I was young at that, at that time, I think when I was, started university when I was 21 and my face was full of acne and I was so insecure and, like, we had to, like, record ourselves counseling, doing, like, an hour long counseling session and then transcribe it and listening to myself and, like, my voice, I hated my voice. I hated what I would say. And it was, like, just annihilating myself, you know? And, but that started a journey for me of self-love because, and that’s actually one of the reasons why I watch back our episodes on Thursdays. I always, during my lunch hour, I’ll watch our episode back. And it’s an opportunity for me to also be, like, present in a different way that I was able to when we’re in these, because there’s an element of, like, I have to kind of be a bit on, make sure that I’m, like, tracking what I’m going to say and these sorts of things. So I like to listen to you guys over, like, you know, like, offer love and just be like, I’m so grateful for this. But then when my turn comes to speak and I listen to myself, I notice there’s little parts that come up around, like, oh, why would you say that? Similar to what you’re saying? And I get little washes of shame.

[00:10:23] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:10:24] Matt Landsiedel: And I just hold my hand on my heart, and I’m like, you know what? You’re. You’re doing great. And I’m like, I’m a late bloomer in self-compassion, and I’m meeting myself with a lot more compassion lately. But, um, yeah, the things that I struggle with and as far as, like, my own critical self or my own critical voice would be, like, not doing enough again. Like, this whole notion of, like, I’m not working hard enough, I’m not doing enough for my, like, my body. I’m nothing. Helping enough people, which is, like, crazy because I’m, like, in my third period of burnout in my career from helping people. And I’m like, I need to learn how to help myself. So there’s just this. A lot of this shadow side of, like, you know, of that my body is not good enough.

Yeah. Not being significant or successful enough, not being social enough. This is a judgment that I have where I criticize myself around, like, just being highly sensitive and introverted, and it’s like, I should be more social. And, like, if I’m, like, scrolling on socials and I see all these, like, big groups of gay guys hanging out together, and I’m just like, there’s a part of me that wants that, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t. And I think when I’m in the energy of wanting that, I’m, like, I judge myself. I’m not social enough, you know? And then this is a big one. Like, I don’t belong. I’m weird or I’m odd. Like, I feel like I have, like, that, like, thing of, like, you know, what neurodivergent people have around. Like, they don’t feel like they fit into, you know, like, neurotypical people. And then I have, like, the thing where I feel, like, as a homosexual, I don’t fit in with heteronormative people. And there’s always been this, like, othered. I feel othered a lot. So I carry a lot of, like, my self-critical part is, like, well, it’s interesting because I have a part that, like, kind of trumps that part, the self-critical part. When the self-critical part comes on and I start to despair, like, the compare and despair, I will, I guess, compare and repair or whatever I said in the previous episode. Like, I will be, like, I’ll downplay it. I’ll be like, oh, I don’t really want that anyway, right? So it’s funny how I have a part that negotiates with my inner critic that’s like, fuck off. Like, we don’t want that anyway, right? So it’s like.

And I’m, like, hyper conscious, so I’m very aware of all these parts. I can actually just even, like, sit and, like, when I’m scrolling, I can notice all of these parts, like, chiming in and I sometimes feel like I’m, like, going crazy, like, yeah.

[00:12:47] Michael DiIorio: All the characters in our, in our head.

[00:12:49] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah.

Um, and then a big one that I’m navigating right now is secure security in relationships. Not being secure enough in my relationships. Like, um, it’s no secret I’m very vocal about, like, my struggle with having a disorganized attachment style and, you know, I’ve made so many strides, but I find that I still do struggle in certain aspects. A lot of fear can come up in relationships for me, especially in the early stages. And, yeah, I still have shame around that. And my inner critic, you know, comes in and is like, oh, like, when are you going to finally get it? Or these sorts of things and, yeah, and then being scared of making mistakes or failing in front of people. Like, when I do, my inner critic will come in and just, like, wash me over with shame and be like, see, like, why would you even put yourself out there? Like, you know, and it’s like, it just, like, shames me or, like, ridicules me. Like, why are you taking risks? You’re so stupid, you know? I mean, you should just stay home and don’t put yourself out there and then you won’t have to worry about this, you know? Um, so it feels, like, very punitive, my, my inner critic, and it’s like, it’s always trying to, like, pull me back from doing shit, you know, wants.

[00:13:58] Michael DiIorio: To keep you safe.

[00:13:59] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

[00:14:03] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:14:04] Matt Landsiedel: Anything you want to say on that question?

[00:14:05] Michael DiIorio: I had a question for you. Um, you know, minor critic chimes in on all the same things, but for me, the main one was, like, the one that I can usually, like, volley right back, which we can talk to in question in later questions. But I’m curious for you, which one of those is the one that you have the hardest time, like, dealing with.

[00:14:24] Matt Landsiedel: Out of the ones I just listed?

[00:14:26] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:14:30] Matt Landsiedel: It depends on the moment because it’s like, if we’re talking like a Friday night and, like, I’m at home and I’m like, you know, part of me wants to go out, part of me doesn’t. And I’m scrolling and I see people out. Like, the not belonging. I’m weird will come in, right? So they all kind of are a little. Are equal, you know, and I.

But if probably the. I would say the biggest one is the not doing enough.

I just carry a lot of stuff around productivity. Like, I should be doing more. I should be busier. Like, these sorts of things, which I’m like, but that’s healing right now. I’ve. I’m. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve made, like, amazing strides in this area. Like, I used to be. It used to be pathological for me. Like, truly. Like, I was so shameful and, like, shaming myself into doing things. And now I’m, like, I’m taking naps pretty much daily. I’m resting. Um, you know, I’ve capped my. My caseload, like, all these things. Like, it’s been really good. So I’m learning how to, like, really set boundaries around, um, my time and energy, so.

[00:15:28] Michael DiIorio: I love it. Yeah, I can see that. I can see that with you. I mean, I have something similar, but mine isn’t. I have an easier time handling that version of me. I put them right back in this place.

[00:15:39] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah.

[00:15:40] Michael DiIorio: Strong boundary here. I’m going to the beach.

Leave me alone. Yeah.

[00:15:45] Matt Landsiedel: Which one would you say is the biggest for you? Like, which one is really pervasive these days?

[00:15:50] Michael DiIorio: It’s. It’s probably I’m not good enough with respect to this, like, showing up in my public Persona, like, what I’m putting out into the world here in my men’s groups, like, in my work, not so much with one on one, but me in front of people like me as an object of other people’s eyes, whether that’s in a group or on the podcast or on social media.

[00:16:18] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah.

[00:16:19] Michael DiIorio: Professionally, not personally. It’s only been the professional sense.

[00:16:21] Matt Landsiedel: That’s.

[00:16:21] Michael DiIorio: That’s the insecurity which we talked about last episode.

[00:16:24] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember just the energy when you. When we first connected and we first started the podcast, there was this, like, closed in and, like, now you’re just, like, free, and you’re so. It’s so cool. Like, the growth I’ve been able to see in you has been so amazing.

[00:16:38] Michael DiIorio: Likewise, mister.

[00:16:40] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, yeah, I love it.

So, yeah. Audience, listener, viewer, in what ways do you criticize or hard on yourself?

We want to know. We want you to come and join in on these discussions that we have last Thursday of every month. In the Gay Men’s Brotherhood. We have our sharing circles where you’ll have a chance to share your own experience in a larger group. If that’s not for you. We also have our connection circles, which happen on the second Thursday of every month, and they’re smaller, more intimate breakout rooms. Pods almost. We have pods of three, which is kind of like replicating our podcast, where you can discuss these topics and connect with other members of the community, make new friends that are interested in the things we’re talking about here today. So you can go to gaimansbrotherhood.com and check out our event section to RSVP. If you don’t have Facebook, don’t worry about it. You can get on our email list and we will email you the Zoom link.

And for people that are, if you’re just watching on YouTube, I’d love for you to comment. Like, in what ways do you criticize or hard on yourself? Let’s get the conversation happening down below in the comment section. And if you’re listening on, on the podcast, just pause, pause the episode for a moment and reflect on that question. In what ways do you criticize or hard on yourself? I think it’s easy just to like, listen to the episode front to back and like not personalize it. And we’re doing this, it can be like a little mini therapy session for you. So pause it and reflect and then see what’s alive for you in your experience.

All right, question two. How is your inner critic trying to serve you?

[00:18:16] Michael DiIorio: Love this question. I think this is probably one of the most important questions because we’re not going to get rid of him, right? So we have to figure out how to work well with him and that he’s not a bad guy. He might sound bad, he might say negative things, but ultimately there’s a good reason there, right? So for me, with respect to what I was just sharing before, in the professional sense, there’s a few, there’s a few things he’s trying to do for me, how he’s transferred me. One, he’s criticizing me before anyone else can. So it’s kind of getting to it. So that if I like, he gives me the things that I’m most afraid of hearing before other people can give to me. So there’s nothing you can criticize me about that I haven’t already criticized myself about. Yeah, I like that energy. So it maybe gives me a bit of a thicker skin because I’m prepared. It’s like if someone says, you sound like an idiot, I’ll be like, yeah, I know.

I wouldn’t say that to them. But it’s a bit of a buffer because I’ve already thought that about myself. So it kind of prevents me from getting hurt as much because I hurt myself. So it’s like if I hurt myself, then no one else can do it, that kind of thing. So it’s protecting me. Again, very misguided, but that’s one way it’s doing it. It’s also very much linked to perfectionism.

And this definitely comes from, you know, the way I was raised. Not like, just to be a good boy and to do things right and to do the right thing, that kind of thing. So my inner critic will always find ways for me to improve and get better, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Right. There’s, there’s. I’ve been, you know, my journey has been finding where I have a high value for excellence and quality in the work that I do and find that balance where it turns into perfectionism. And that’s where I’ve kind of been playing. It’s like, okay, I want to have a high degree of quality and work that I do and put it into the world. It’s very important to me. Nothing wrong with that. But I also don’t want to be such a perfectionist that it stalls me or that it’s really shame. So that’s kind of been my, my journey. But I do like that. The inner critic, for example, with listening to this podcast, there are things that I’m like, yeah, I want to kind of change the way I do that, or I don’t want to, you know, I don’t want to say those things as much or I want to focus on this. And in that way, it’s been very beneficial because it has told me where I need to improve. And so, you know, if I take out the shame out of it, the shame part out of it, I can say, okay, here are the things they truly do want to improve on, and it kind of finds those for me, picks them up for me. Not in a kind way, not in a constructive feedback way, in a mean way, but at least it’s there. Um, and I will say people who tend to have a louder inner critic, probably have some perfectionism, tend to be perfectionists as well. And at the root of all this, we know, is shame. Shame is at the root of all of it. So, yeah, I would say those are the main, two main, two ways. Criticizing me before everybody else does and showing me the ways that I can improve.

[00:21:07] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, it’s interesting. Do you find you’re critical of other.

[00:21:09] Michael DiIorio: People no, not so much more.

[00:21:12] Matt Landsiedel: Just of yourself.

[00:21:13] Michael DiIorio: Yeah. Because I have that high expectation for myself. Less so for other people.

Yeah, absolutely. Like, I can give grace to other people. I mean, now I can like that, you know, like, I’m very good with my inner critic now. Him and I, we got a thing, like, a good thing going. But before, I think that self-compassion that I’ve learned, which we’ll talk about after, has been so much more beneficial for my relationships with others that I didn’t even see. Like, I’m so much more giving of grace with myself and with other people. So, so much more. And that has benefited me. Like, I can just let people be who they are. I can just let them make mistakes and just like, yeah, you’re human. Cool. I love you anyway, right? That energy versus. You have to be this way. Why can’t you be more this way? Well, you know, that that’s what I used to be like with other people and with me. And I’m just like, y’all, we’re all just human doing our best thing, doing the best we can. And that just makes my life a lot more at peace.

[00:22:09] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah. Yeah. It’s beautiful. I get the sense you have, like, like, quite a bit of distance between your inner critic and you. Like, I think sometimes it’s fused for people. Like, they haven’t actually created, like, a witness consciousness to be able to separate the two. And I feel like you’ve done a good job at, like, separating them. That’s the work.

[00:22:26] Michael DiIorio: And I will say the reason for that is journaling. I will let my inner critic in a journal just go. Just go, like, hey, what do you have to say to me? Say it. Kind of just flow. Stream of consciousness.

[00:22:36] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah.

[00:22:37] Michael DiIorio: And then I read it back and I realize that is nothing. My actual. That’s not the voice I want. It’s. It’s. It’s. It’s the inner critic’s voice. And so I have literally created, like, a character. Right? Like, in the movie, inside out. Like an illiterate critic character. Who is that guy? And because of that, I have more of that witness consciousness.

[00:22:54] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah. Yeah, that’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. What’s one descriptor word to describe your inner critic?

[00:23:00] Michael DiIorio: Harsh. Harsh, harsh.

Yeah, he’s. He’s nasty.

[00:23:06] Matt Landsiedel: He nasty.

[00:23:07] Michael DiIorio: Yeah. But that’s because I’m nasty, right? Like, it’s me. We’re talking about me here. Right. I can be also very harsh and very sharp. Uh, so that makes sense. Yeah.

[00:23:16] Matt Landsiedel: Interesting. Does your inner critic have an age? Like, is he younger? Older.

[00:23:21] Michael DiIorio: Yeah. He’s a crotchety old man for sure.

He’s a crotch deal. Miserable man. Yeah.

Loud, loud, crotchety old man. Yeah.

[00:23:32] Matt Landsiedel: And would it be more the voice of your father or your mother, do you think?

[00:23:37] Michael DiIorio: Neither. It might be like a grandparent, I think.

Yeah. Because my grandparents did play a big role in, like, raising me in this formative years. Yeah. So I spent a lot of time with them. So I think it might be more of them.

Yeah.

[00:23:52] Matt Landsiedel: Interesting.

Thanks for sharing.

[00:23:55] Michael DiIorio: Yeah. I’m dying to know about yours now. How does it serve you?

[00:23:59] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, how does my inner critic trying to serve me? So I did an exercise at a retreat that I was at, that I was actually co-hosting at, and one of the other facilitators there took us through this exercise.

Scott stable, my brother, love him, and he was doing an exercise on self-love, and he took us through this thing called letter from fear. Letter from love. So these two letters, he made us write these two letters. I think this exercise is from Elizabeth Gilbert.

[00:24:31] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:24:32] Matt Landsiedel: I can’t remember. Yeah. Elizabeth Gilbert. But he introduced it to me, so he’ll always have the association anyway. So he gave us the sentence stem.

This is your fear. This is why I am in your life. And he wanted us to write this so you could take this and say, this is your inner critic. This is why I’m in your life. But I’ll read you what I wrote for fear. I, I don’t want you to look stupid. I don’t want you to experience the pain of loss and rejection that you know all too well. I’m here to protect you. When you follow me, you remain safe and unaffected.

You will always be comfortable when you listen to me. I am always here for you and will never let you down.

I will let you know when to run and hide, when to avoid yourself and others, when to stay small so no one sees you, when to end that relationship so you are not, or that you are so scared of being hurt by, you will never have to be seen failing if you listen to me.

So I could say all those things like, my inner critic is terrified of being judged, of being rejected. So I think I have a very, like, harsh is probably a really good word to describe mine as well. I have a very harsh inner critic that chimes in and is trying to keep me safe, trying to direct me into probably the opposite of what I do.

The limelight. It’s like, get away from the limelight. So, like, before going on to doing anything public, truly anything public, I get anxiety.

I start to like, be like, oh, my God, like, what if I freeze? Or what if, um, you know, like, yeah, what. What are my what ifs? What ifs of limitation? What if I freeze? What if I forget what I’m talking about? What if I sound stupid?

Um.

That’s a big one for me. Um, I wasn’t very, um, like, conforming in school. Like, I was very, like, defiant and, like, I would not follow the rules, and I didn’t like to do things. You know, I have a hard time taking orders and, like, teachers, like, you know, would be like, oh, write this book. Report on this book. And I’m like, I’m not even interested in reading that book. Like, why would I want to read it and write a book report? So I was just very much like that. So I had horrible grades. And, like, teachers were always reflecting to me that you’re, like, not smart and these sort of things. So I think I internalized this thing that I’m not smart. And so I have this, like, this shadow side of me that, like, I feel like I need to prove that I’m smart to people. You know what I mean? And, yeah. Wow. I’ve never really said that before. It’s interesting what’s coming up, just even sharing that, but I.

So, yeah, I think that that really comes in when I’m public and I really want to, like, I envision myself, like, getting on stage and being, like, an inspirational speaker, and then I’m like, oh, my. I would never have the flow to be able to do that. Like, my. I would be too anxious. I’d be worried about whatever. Like, these sorts of things. So it’s like my inner critic is trying to, like, protect me from getting up and failing in front of people. And I think that’s why authentic relating has been such a powerful modality for me to learn from and to.

It’s given me space and grace and compassion and all these things for myself that it’s like, yes, and, like, so, like, you get up and fail in front of people. Like, that’s part of the human experience. We all get up and fail in front of people. And, you know, it actually is very humbling, and people are really drawn into vulnerability when it’s. When it happens. Right. These sorts of things. So I’ve just really learned to kind of give myself space in that, but, so, yeah, I’d love. I’d love for the. For the audience to try that exercise. Write a letter from your inner critic and see what your inner critic has to say to you and the ways it’s trying to serve you and protect you. And I think that’s the. That’s the entrance to self-compassion, in my opinion.

[00:28:49] Michael DiIorio: I’m willing to bet a lot of people’s letters would sound like yours, because when you read that, I’m like, yeah, same, like, same girl.

Protecting from rejection, criticism. Like, that’s the thing. It criticizes us. It criticizes us to protect us from criticism from other people.

[00:29:05] Matt Landsiedel: So. Sure.

[00:29:06] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:29:07] Matt Landsiedel: You know. Yeah. I related to when you said that it’s like, you know, or reject people before they reject me.

[00:29:13] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:29:14] Matt Landsiedel: You know, like that sort of thing. Or, like you said, reject myself.

[00:29:17] Michael DiIorio: Yeah, criticize myself so that when I hear it, I won’t be the first time I hear it.

[00:29:22] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Geez, that’s such a profound realization for me. And even self-rejection, it’s like if I self-reject myself, it will be like, well, you can’t reject me any more than I’ve rejected myself. Right?

[00:29:35] Michael DiIorio: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:29:37] Matt Landsiedel: But with a big o, little s, right? Big other, little s. It is really painful to be rejected by other even more so than self. Right. So it just depends on that, because I feel like when I get rejected from people, it’s like it can feel like a real sting, you know, as.

[00:29:55] Michael DiIorio: You were talking, I just realized when. What phase of my life I really got to do this work was when I became, like, a coach and became an entrepreneur and put myself out there. I never had to do that before because I was in the corporate world. So I never had to be on video. I never had to do anything. I just kind of lived my life doing my work. And then all of a sudden, I’m on YouTube and I’m on Instagram. I have this podcast. And, you know, you were there. It was really, really hard for me because, again, I knew that I was going to beat the shit out of myself for doing it. So having done that, though, and I do coach a lot of people who want to create things in the world. So whether they are starting a business, writing a book, doing a screenplay, like, I do coach a lot of these folks out there. And we work on the inner critic a lot because you have to do this work. The work that Matt and I are talking about in this podcast is you’re not going to do the thing. If your inner critic is in control, is driving the bus, as we say, he’s got to go in the backseat. He’s not going anywhere. You just got to put in the backseat, take control of the wheel. And I’m hoping that that’s what this episode will do for you guys. Anyone out there who wants to create something in the world that is going to be open for judgment and criticism, this is really, really important work. Otherwise, you just won’t do it. You’ll stay in the comfort zone if your inner critic has its way.

[00:31:12] Matt Landsiedel: Exactly. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And if you’re someone looking to work with your inner critic and you’re on a personal development journey, you can check out our coaching collection. We’ve got a whole pathway called self-confidence. And Michael and I and Callan created a ton of content. We got 45, even more than 45, we’ve got probably like 55 premium personal development coaching videos that will help you on your journey for dealing with your inner critic and building more sense of self confidence. And also in that collection, you get the healing, your shame and building better relationships courses. And that can be found over on gaymengoingdeeper.com if you’re interested.

All right, we got one more question left.

How have you learned to deal with your inner critic, Michael?

[00:31:59] Michael DiIorio: This is my favorite one.

[00:32:00] Matt Landsiedel: Give us all the juice and stuff.

[00:32:01] Michael DiIorio: If you guys could be inside my brain for a day, oh, my gosh, you’d be wildly entertained, busy and overwhelmed and just be like, get me the hell out of this place. It’s just Matt knows what I mean because I know very much the same way. Yeah, I think a mile a minute, like 1010 thousand things at a time. I bounce around a lot in my mind. So my inner critic has a funny way of just kind of sneaking in with, like, you know, oh, that’s a nice dog. Oh, I’m going to go to the gym. You’re a fucking idiot. Oh, what am I going to do for dinner? I’m like, what? What? What was that like? You know, so I have to be very, he’s very sneaky, right? Just as I said, it is me like, so your inner critic is just as sneaky as you are. It’s just as clever as you are. It’s just as cunning as you are. It’s just as harsh as you are. I’m so you, you have to really be onto it. So mine is loud. And when he’s really yelling at me, like, about something, then it’s, it’s very harsh and very critical. Now, the great thing is how I’ve learned to deal with it is I have an equally, I’ve developed an equally loud self-advocate who is just like, just shut some right down. Is like, listen, enough. We’re not doing that. Right. And because I think my self-advocate, my inner child, or whatever you want to call the, the other one. The opposite of inner critic has to rise up and at least be at, or be even stronger and even being more forceful. So when I say fierce self-love, I use that a lot. That’s what I mean. Like, my inner advocate is fierce. And it’s a she. Interesting. It’s a she. I love that. Yeah, it’s a she. And she just lionesses. Yeah. Yeah. A lioness, exactly. And she’s, she’ll, she’ll just put them right down and that’s that. So I have an inner advocate that’s even louder. And, um, I said very firm boundary. Like, she sets very firm boundaries with them. Like, no, we’re not doing that right now. Like, back off, back off, bitch kind of thing. So it’s very sassy. That’s another thing. She’s very sassy. Um, so it is like this fear self-love that just has to rise up to put it in its place. Um, which is that hasn’t. That only came up in the last couple of years again, since starting my business. It was never there before. She was probably somewhere in the back being very quiet, not, not being called upon. But I need her now. I need her now because I get a lot of criticism. I get a lot of criticism from people out there listening to us right now, from myself. And so she really helps me to really love myself, truly. And that doesn’t mean get away with everything either. Like, it’s. Sometimes she will also sit me down and say, okay, Michael, she’s also the same ones, like, listen, gotta love with you here. You fucked that up, right? Like, that’s, you know, so, yeah, she’s great. She’s my, she’s my number one person in there.

And I will say that from the outside, like, it looks probably like arrogance because I will look at myself in the mirror sometimes and be like, you got this. You’re a rock star. Like, I’ll do that self-talk, which sounds very cheesy. I’m that guy. I will do it if I need to. I will do that if I’m going. Like, I did a presentation this summer. I think I told you, Matt, in front of a big group of corporate people.

And I was like, oh, my God. You know, I was very much in the imposter syndrome space. Like, oh, these people are like big, fancy corporate folks, and I’m just this little entrepreneur guy here. And, yeah, it really helped me to do that, like, mirror talk and say, okay, you got this. You’re a rock star.

It’s cheesy, guys, but it works for me. Okay. Yeah. And then when the inner critic shows up, she comes down to tell him what’s. Tell him what’s what, and then in that space, that’s when she’ll be like, okay, here’s. Here’s what he was trying to tell you. He was trying to tell you, you need to do this. Okay, cool. Thank you. Right, so, yeah, it’s just a matter of rising up to meet it with some fierce self-compassion.

[00:35:48] Matt Landsiedel: I love it. I can totally see that. Now that you have a female self, like, inner coach. I call it inner bully, inner coach. Those are kind of the terms I use.

[00:35:58] Michael DiIorio: Oh, my gosh. You know who just came to me? The image is Ilania Van Sant. Do you know who that is?

She did something called fix your life. I know.

Yeah. If you guys know who she is, she’s fierce.

[00:36:12] Matt Landsiedel: That’s so funny.

[00:36:12] Michael DiIorio: Fierce lady. She’s in there. Yeah.

[00:36:15] Matt Landsiedel: Cool. Cool.

Yeah. Interesting. I think we take different approaches here, so that’s cool. We can share it with the audience, although similar. Similar approach. But, um, my. Well, the first tip I have is, like, give your inner critic a name, uh, and personify it. Like, you cr. You got to differentiate yourself from the inner critic. Right. We got to extrapolate, pull them apart, and say, I have an inner critic, and I have, you know, my higher self. Right. Um, mine is, like, very concerned about looking, like, how he appears. Right. It’s about appearance, like the cool teenager. Right. That’s like, mom, you’re so, like, geeky. You’re f. You know, like, you’re. You’re like, that sort of energy. So my inner critic is younger. Yours is older and crotchety. Mine is younger and, like, misguided, you know?

So. But he’s also really scared. He’s scared about not fitting in, being rejected, not being cool enough, these sorts of things. And so he needs a, like, compassion and not to be scolded. He needs to be held because he’s scared. Right. So compassion is the best approach for me.

And, yeah, I guess compassion for me. I use Kristen Neff’s model. She’s probably, I would say, the best for in this space. And it’s very simple, truly. She’s got some great guided meditations that you can find if you just go to her website and then look for under guided meditations. But she basically uses three pillars for self-compassion. The first one is mindfulness. The second one is humanity. And the third one is kindness. And this has helped me a lot, because I didn’t really. Even when we recorded the self-compassion episode, I didn’t really know what self-compassion was. The first self-compassion episode. I thought it was self-love. But it’s not self-love really. It’s a component of self-love, for sure. But self-compassion is, like, meeting yourself with, like, it’s okay to suffer. It’s okay to be where you’re at, you know? Like, you don’t have to love yourself right now. It’s okay to not love yourself. Like, that’s self-compassion. Right. Um, so the first pillar, mindfulness. Turning towards yourself, saying, yes, you’re suffering right now. Like, yes, you’re being critical of yourself right now. Like, be with yourself in the moment, mindfully, with whatever is there, right? So it’s kind of like this notion of welcoming, welcoming yourself. That’s the first thing then you want to meet yourself with. With humanity or humility. Right. It’s like we’re all. We’re all in this together. We’re all. We all have an inner critic. You’re not alone in having this experience. And, you know, as. As we are, you know, biologically hardwired for, you know, connection and attachment and these sorts of things. Knowing that other people are also going and having shared human experiences is a very powerful way to eradicate shame from this. Right. And a lot of us can have a lot of shame around our inner critic and the way we. We abuse ourselves. Right.

Then the last piece is kindness. Right. So just talking to yourself, like you would talk to a young child or your best friend, and just, like, holding your hand on your heart, she always says, and just, like, be that compassionate force for yourself. Right.

And this has helped me tremendously. So I use this when I’m really struggling, and it tends to soften things for me, and then. Yeah. So get clear about how your inner critic is trying to serve you. So write that letter to your inner critic and develop a relationship with your inner critic. Like, understand it. I’m learning this from you today, Michael. You have a very good relationship with your inner critic. Right. So that’s, like, a very strong protective factor to be able to understand. Understand the needs of your inner critic, the fears of your inner critic, what it’s trying to, you know, what needs it has and how it’s trying to get these needs meth. Um, very, very powerful. And then again, like, looking at, okay, these are the needs of my inner child. It’s to try and keep, or of my inner critic is to try and keep me safe.

Um, you know, whatever um, to look cool, all these things, write those down. Those are my needs. And then look at alternative ways that you can get those needs met. How else can I feel safe without having to beat the shit out of myself?

[00:40:26] Michael DiIorio: Yeah.

[00:40:26] Matt Landsiedel: Right. And then, you know, filling your toolbox with different things that you can do to start to. To get those needs met.

Yeah.

[00:40:35] Michael DiIorio: Super helpful. I think that’s very helpful for a lot of people out there.

[00:40:37] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like this is gonna be one of those episodes, actually, all of ours seem to be these episodes where there’s. They’re so meaty. There’s lots of stuff. So slow it down. Rewatch it if you have to take notes. I think there’s a lot of things in here that can be practiced and make some really beautiful change in your life. Yeah.

Yeah. Any closing comments?

[00:41:01] Michael DiIorio: No, I think that’s good.

You gave us a lot of really good stuff there. Really good tools to end off with.

Great topic.

[00:41:09] Matt Landsiedel: Yes. Yeah. I’m very happy with this episode. It feels good.

And, yeah, thank you, Michael, for sharing so vulnerably, as always, and sharing your processes and your tips and stuff.

And thank you to the listener and viewer for coming along this journey with us. You know, it’s really beautiful to just to hear that the impact that these episodes have on people. And we get lots of emails and lots of love from people. And I want to say this, too, because we went through a period where we got a lot of flack and we got, you know, a lot of comments that were not very nice and things. And now I just go through our YouTube comments sometimes and I’m just like, I’m enamored by how much love is in our, is in our YouTube comments. So keep that love coming because, you know, we need to support each other. We need to support each other as gay men and pull each other out of the crab bucket. So, like, spreading love in the comment section and not just to us, spread love to people in the comment section. We all need more love.

[00:42:06] Michael DiIorio: Yes.

[00:42:07] Matt Landsiedel: Yeah.

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